Wild Wild Bleach
by GateTraveler
Summary: A new comical spin on Bleach AU, Bleach set to a fourth wall breaking Wild West theme.
1. Enter the Chieftain

Wild Wild Bleach

A new comical spin on Bleach AU, Bleach set to a fourth wall breaking Wild West theme.

I don't own Bleach. There I said it... I hope you're happy. If you find this fic even slightly entertaining please review. I'm not going to beg but I'm not above threatening your little dog.

* * *

The sun was just setting over the dusty hills of the Karakura Town. The old sign that welcomed a lone cowboy in was faded with age showing that the town had survived many a season in the harsh western atmosphere. This was a town of law, and the law was kept in check by your friendly neighborhood spide… I mean Sheriff Ichigo Kurosaki.

Now the town did have its problems, well it had a lot of problems. Such as its Native American tribe leader.. Running off of cliffs... Oh, here he is now!

"KUROSAKI!!" The yell thundered over the landscape startling the cows at the nearby wealthy landowner's farm.

"Huh…?" Ichigo our faithful hero cast his gaze skyward as danger loomed above him.

The eyes of our hero widened to as he realized that the mass known as the leader of Squad 11 of Gotei 13 nation tribe of Native Americans rained down over him. In an instant our brave hero rose to his feet narrowly avoiding the great chief. The chair that Ichigo was sitting on however, was obliterated.

"WHAT THE H--! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE CHAIR!" Ichigo the brave warrior of justice cried.

Bringing himself up to his full height, the Chief merely dusted himself off before retrieving a tomahawk the size of a great axe. Pointing the weapon in Ichigo's direction the great warrior chief grinned sadistically. At the sight of this, even our admirable hero…

"Would you stop it with all the hero stuff!"

Well sorry, I'm just the narrator and I'm supposed to make you sound all heroish, after all you _are_ the main character.

"I never agreed to this!"

Hey… shouldn't you worry more about the axe that is being pointed threateningly in front of your face?

Ichigo froze as his attention was once again drawn back in character. "Sh--"

The manic gleam in the chief's eye only seemed to intensify as he realized his prey was now once again paying attention to him. "Ah Kurosaki… I Running off of Cliffs Kenpachi have come to challenge you!" He added with a quick thump on his chest.

"Wouldn't that be a showdown now that we are in the Wild West?" Ichigo asked.

Kenpachi froze as he thought using the large tomahawk to scratch the stubble on his chin. "You speak weird tongue westerner… a fight is a fight!"

Ichigo knew he had to think of something fast if he was going to make it to his retirement. "… Well then tomorrow at high noon in front of the saloon sound good to you?"

"High noon? Why not now?!" The chief asked.

"Because High noon is how you do things here in the Wild West Kenny!" A small pink haired Native American girl poked up from God Knows Where on to Kenpachi shoulder.

Ichigo could only meekly nod in response as Chief Running off Cliffs mulled over his options. After a minute or two of silence, the old wise chief nodded before turning and walking back down the dusty town. Ichigo gave a sigh of relief as before he glanced back at what was left of his favorite chair. It was the sound of a measuring tape sizing him up that took his mind off the grief of his favorite chair.

"So Ichigo my dear son, do you wanna be wearing your head or holding your head?"

"WHAT?!" Ichigo shouted startling Isshin from his busy work.

"Your head… See if you're holding it I have to make the coffin deeper if you are wearing your head I have to make it longer" Isshin sang out in a sing song voice.

"What are you bantering on about you old senile fool?"

"OLD? I'm not that old I'm in the prime of my life! Such a shame my one and only son will be cut down in the prime of his life!!" Isshin said half heartedly as large alligator tears poured down his face.

Furious at this point, Isshin found himself on the ground with a nice welt on his head as his son loomed angrily over him fist still in the air. A tumble weed rolled by…

"This is no time for joking around…" Isshin remarked as he stood up. "Ichigo my son, ah how I barely knew you before your life ended tragically at the hands of the chief."

Dust kicked up as Isshin found himself face planted in the dirt once again.

Ichigo loomed over his father again this time his eyes glowing red. "I'm not going anywhere you fool!" With a kick that could make him a football star Ichigo booted Isshin across the street and into the bar.

With a sigh our Sheriff turned back to his chair…

"Favorite Chair!"

Okay, okay_ favorite_ chair… Anyway as our hero gazed as his broken piece of furniture his deputy Renji decided to make his cameo.

"Cameo?! What do you mean I'm a main character"

Sure keep telling yourself that deputy… You are as side kick as Robin is to Batman.

"My chair!" Ichigo cried out in aggravation. "Renji you're my deputy do something!"

"I'm not your lacky! Do I look like you're lacky?!" The faithful deputy replied harshly.

Ichigo turned to his deputy and pointed to the golden star badge on his chest; a cocky grin spread across his face. "Deputy means sheriff's slave"

Horrified the faithful deputy turned upwards to the sky his fist rattling in frustration. "I want a recast!"

Recast? Sorry no can do… All the roles have been filled… Oh wait there is still one. Do you like horses?

"I'll take it!" Renji called.

Okay sanitation manager it is then, go have fun picking up after horses! I guess that would make Keigo the new deputy!

"Wait a minute!!" In the blink of the eye Renji disappears replaced by a dazed looking young man.

"Maybe we should really refrain from breaking the fourth wall so often…." Ichigo said in a worried tone.

"ICCCHHHIIIGGOO what's going on?" Keigo called as he ran towards the brave sheriff.

Instantly Ichigo responded by clothes lining his underlining almost subconsciously. Keigo collapsed onto the ground in a heap unnoticed by Ichigo at all. "Ichigo… you are always so mean to me"

"huh?" our brave hero glanced down at the crumbled from of his newly appointed deputy. "Keigo what are you doing here?"

"Ichigo…." Keigo sobbed as he sat in a heap on the ground.

Ichigo, with little care for his newly appointed deputy turned back to the mess that was his favorite chair trying to figure out what he should do about the obliterated furniture. This may take a while for our brave hero to figure out what he was going to do, so let's turn out attention onto another part of the town. Not far away from our hero, hiding in a darken alleyway was the notorious villains known as the Arrancarr boys plotting their next crime.

"See dawgs this is what we do. We take this dynamite and we plant it here." The leader of the villainous gang Grimmjow explained.

"But senior… if we do this, wouldn't it attract the attention of that sheriff?" Yylfordt the Mexican of group asked.

"Man! You be doubtin' my plans? You with us or not bro?" Grimmjow hissed as he carefully set down his dynamite at the side of the building.

"I'm just asking senior." Yylfordt replied in his defense.

"Look Dawg, just stick to the plan! That copper won't even know what do yo. Now listen here bros this is what we are going to do: we'll stick the dynamite on this side of the wall of the bank then we light it… And BANG! We grab the goods and run yo!" Grimmjow enlightened the rest of his gang.

"But boss you sure this is a good idea why don't we just go into the bank and hold it up?" Shawlong asked.

Grimmjow glared at his gang. "Look my plan is flawless bros! Watch and learn dawgs just watch and learn" Without a second's hesitation Grimmjow lit the end of the dynamite and took off.

Taking their leader's initiative they took off for cover as well. The explosion echoed that could wake the dead a few seconds later.

"Let's go bust this joint up!" Grimmjow order as he took out his duel revolvers.

Not wanting to disagree with their leader the rest of Grimmjow gang followed. As they walked through the newly acquired hole in the side of the bank, Grimmjow realized his calculations had been more than slightly off. Instead of having unlimited access to the bank vault they now had outside access to the male bathroom. A collective sweatdrop appeared on the Arrancar boys.

"Umm senior you sure this is the spot we wanted to blow up this looks like a bathroom to me?" Yylfordt asked.

"Screw it… Dawgs new plan yo. We gonna be holdin' this joint up" Grimmjow expressed to his gang before he charged into the bank through the bathroom doors.

Grimmjow's boys looked at each other wondering if they should follow their leader but with a shrugged they realized they had nothing else better to do. Each brandishing an old style revolver they followed after their all-to-wise leader into the bank.

"This is a stick up yo! Put your hands up and… ahhh!" Grimmjow ducked avoiding the buckshot from Ishida's 12 gauge shotgun.

Adjusting his glasses to sit farther up his nose, the owner of the bank cocked the shotgun again pointing it at the leader of the Arrancar boys. "You think that with a flashy entrance like that you'd be able to hold up my bank?" Clearly the wise bank owner had opted to grab his 12 gauge once he heard the explosion. Good call.

"Geez dawg even us bandits have to make a living. Don't be hatin' the players hate our parents for not raising us right." Grimmjow called.

Adjusting his glasses again Ishida glared at the Arrancarr boys as Ichigo ran into the bank, Renji following just behind. Both officers had guns drawn and looked ready for a fight.

"Wait a minute, how are you my deputy again?" Ichigo asked as he looked at Renji.

"I beat up Keigo and took the job back" Renji stated in a matter of fact tone.

"That's low, even for us bandits yo" Grimmjow remarked.

"Ya know you're right… so?" Renji replied.

Ishida looked at the officers of the law and adjusted his glasses further up onto his nose. "As usual the Sheriff is late to the scene and the brave bank owner has everything under control"

"What do you mean? I got here as fast as I could! Are you holding it against me that I wasn't in the bank at the time of the explosion?!" Ichigo protested.

"Yes, why yes I am" Ishida said with a straight face.

Ichigo sighed. "You really are a bas-- aren't you?"

Ishida shrugged. "Only because you hog all the fan girls. Even Hitsugaya is more popular than me and he is just a white haired kid with little personality"

In the bar down the street the barkeep sneezed…

Ichigo threw his hands up. "Not my fault! Hey at least you get paired with Orihime in most fan fictions, she is hot you've gotta admit."

Ishida seemed to contemplate this seriously before he nodded and adjusted his glasses. "Point taken"

"Guys, the bandits are escaping" Renji stated.

"Dang dawg, why can't you just let us leave?!" Grimmjow whined.

"Because you broke the law" Renji affirmed.

"But Senior we didn't rob the bank yet, what you going to charge us with?" Yylfordt asked.

"Destruction of property, use of explosives without a permit, becoming a public hazard, attempted bank robbery, use of guns to commit robbery…" Renji listed before he was interrupted by Grimmjow.

"Yo yo, okay _law man_ we get it!" Grimmjow sighed. "Geez law man you gonna charge us with _destruction of the peace_ too man?"

Renji paused. "Hey, I didn't think of that one... Sure why not?"

Grimmjow's boys all gave him dirty look.

"Well dude how about destruction of private property?" Grimmjow asked.

"Oh that's a good one I'll add that" Renji said as he started to write down the charges.

"How 'bout…" Grimmjow would have continued if he hadn't been hit over the back of the head. "Ouch yo dawg what was that for?" Grimmjow asked as he glared at Edrad.

"Boss are you trying to get us into even more trouble?" Edrad snapped.

"No yo! If I cooperate with the sheriff then ya know they will be easier ta gain his trust and if we gain their trust it'll be easier ta escape" Grimmjow wisely explained.

"Ahhh" Grimmjow's gang said at once.

Renji and Ichigo exchanged looks before turning back to the Arrancarr boys. Looks like the fate is sealed on our notorious bandits, all and all it was just another day in the Wild West.

* * *

Alright there it is... I just had to write it after I realized there was a western tab in the fiction section. I have ideas for other chapters but for now this fiction survival depends on YOU the reader. Yes I'm talking to you! Now press that review button and review this fiction NOW! if not you're are a cheapskate, yeah you heard me right a Cheapskate! I know who you are! I can see it in you're eyes...


	2. Of Bar Fights and Ninja

College is hard and drags on and on. I work on this story half heartedly in my spare time, that's why it's been forever since my last up date. Don't worry there is more to come.

I don't own bleach, so ha you can't sue me. I just using the characters for my own amusement and hopefully for the amusement of others.

* * *

With the Arrancarr boys behind bars, the town once again felt safe

With the Arrancarr boys behind bars, the town once again felt safe. Now that his job was out of the way Ichigo now had more time to focus on what he was going to do about his favorite chair. Calling in the expert seemed the only possible solution. Renji stood at Ichigo's side listening to short story of how Ichigo's favorite chair was now in pieces.

"… and then that big oaf rained down from the sky and crushed my chair"

"So you're telling me the war chief did this?"

"Yes… So can you fix it?"

"ummm…"

"Ichigo that think is just scrap get a new chair"

"That was my favorite chair no!"

"What's so special about it?"

"ummm…"

"I got it from my love interest"

"You've got a love interest?"

"Of course I do, I'm a main character"

"I can fix it"

"Well then, I should get one too"

"Why? You're not a main character"

"I should at least get one for having to put up with you"

"I can fix it…"

"What's so bad about me?"

"You want me to start listing things?"

"I don't think I'm half bad"

John Wayne, for someone that is so stressed about their chair you should at least pay attention to the person you are hiring to fix it.

"Huh?"

Good boy… Chad the town carpenter carefully selected his hammer from his tool belt and pounded the chair a few times before it was as good as new. Getting up from the ground, he turned to the Sheriff and his deputy.

"I fixed it" Chad's said slowly before he turned and walked off.

Ichigo smirked. "See told you he could fix it. Come on Renji lets go get a cold drink"

Renji just stared at the chair that was small bits just a second ago. Not able to fathom what fully just happened the deputy turned and followed the sheriff. All too soon both of our heroes passed through the double swinging doors of the bar. As always the bar keep Toshiro looked up giving both men a nod of his head in acknowledgement as the two sat down at the bar.

In one of the far corners sat Ganju, the resident gambler along with Kisuke Uraha the general store owner, Yoruichi Shihōin Kisuke's vagabond and last but not least Aizen Sōsuke. Floating over them was a very interested Kurosaki Isshin as he loomed over Ganju's shoulder. Orihime and Rangiku floated around the bar cleaning up and taking orders from the customers. The joyful music of Tōsen's piano filled the bar with a delightful melody.

Aizen's wanted poster sat on the far side of the bar but with the cleaver disguise of a thick black mustache no one was the wiser to his real identity.

"Two non-alcoholic beverages please" Ichigo ordered.

The barkeep nodded and turned to fill the order.

"Non-alcoholic? What kind of wuss are you Kurosaki?" Renji complained.

"Use of alcoholic could bring up our rating, so does swearing so the narrator decided to make this fiction as clean as possible." Ichigo explained.

"Screw the rating, we already _are_ in a bar we should get alcohol, Hitsugaya sake please" Renji ordered.

"Sake? What wild west fiction are you in? There is no sake in the west!" Ichigo argued.

"WHAT?! No sake…? What other kind of alcohol is there?" Renji asked.

"Whiskey, beer, ale, scotch, wine… Pick your poison" Ichigo nonchalantly said.

"What one tastes most like sake?" Renji asked.

"How would I know? Technically I'm not old enough to drink" Ichigo retorted.

Suddenly Ichigo is magically old enough to drink and he and Renji have a vast knowledge of various alcoholic drinks of the Wild West…

"Well that's a big plot hole. What kind of fanfic are you narrating here?" Renji complained.

Shut up, this fic isn't supposed to make sense. All hope was lost once we started breaking the fourth wall.

"Wait a minute what is this 'fourth wall'?" Renji asked.

That's what Google is for…

"What's Google?" Renji dared to ask.

Exactly.

"Whiskey it is then" Renji ordered.

Toshiro sighed but started to fill the new order any ways. Just a few feet away Isshin loomed ever closer to Ganju studying his cards as he tossed a few coins into the collective pile. He glanced at Ganju's cards then back at the pile.

"You have a four and two, Ganju you don't have anything… Oh wait you're bluffing aren't you? You had me fooled, go all in!" Isshin said out loud.

Ganju sighed as the other 3 at the table grinned manically. After a swift glare at Isshin; Ganju threw down his cards in a fold. With a sigh he watched his money end up in the ever growing pile of Yoruichi.

"Isshin get out of here! Go bother someone else" Ganju growled as he got ready to deal for the next game.

"Come on Ganju don't be so sour, Isshin is just trying to help" Yoruichi grinned from behind her pile of coins.

"Yoruichi I knew you were kind and caring soul. Will you marry my son?" Isshin replied only to find himself clubbed over the back of the head by a bar stool.

Renji restrained his commanding officer as Ichigo shrugged to get at his father.

"Stay out of my life old man" Ichigo growled venomously.

Isshin stood up. "Ichigo I'm only trying to get you hook up with a nice girl. Don't be so mean" Isshin whined. "After all the Kurosaki line might die with me if I don't get you married soon"

The aura of killing intent rose in the room tenfold.

"Renji let me go and go get a body bag" Ichigo commanded in an eerily calm tone.

"Hey! No killing in the bar" Hitsugaya decided to speak up from his place behind the bar.

"Fine, I'll just beat him within an inch of his life!" Ichigo responded before he dove after his father.

Isshin jumped back knocking over the card table the others were playing at. Ganju could only watch helplessly as his comeback game was scattered all over the floor. Turning swiftly towards Isshin he swung at him but missed hitting Renji who was trying to grab Ichigo. All too soon the whole bar erupted into a massive bar fight.

Tosen turned to Toshiro from his spot at the piano next to the bar. "Bar fight?"

Toshiro glanced in the piano man's direction as he cleaned a beer glass. "Yep"

"Is it bad?" Tosen asked.

Toshiro turned back to the battle. "Yeah…"

Tosen continued to play as if nothing was wrong. "Should we do something about it?"

Toshiro paused at this. "Naah… it'll be over in a second. The landowner's daughter has arrived"

True to the bar keeps words; the landowner's daughter had indeed arrived. The very sight of the bar in chaos caused an anger to boil up in her. The fact that the sheriff and the deputy where both involved seemed to the main cause of her anger…

"ICHIGO! RENJI! WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?"

Instantly the bar froze with the exception of the bar keep and the piano man. All eyes turned towards the woman standing in the entrance of the bar.

"Rukia… What are you doing here?" Ichigo's voiced weakly as he released his death grip on his father.

Renji shifted uncomfortably. "Umm we can explain…?"

Rukia grabbed both men by the ears and drug them out. Slowly the rest of the bar begun to pick up the mess they had created in the bar nervously. Toshiro continued to clean the beer glass leaning against the bar as he did so.

"You know for someone who is almost half their height; Rukia has got those two whipped" He said to his piano man.

Tosen just nodded before Matsumoto leaned against the bar a grin wide on her face. "Of course she does, women in most anime tend to be more scary than their male counterparts when angered"

The two just nodded….

Just outside of the bar.

"So explain to me what you guys were doing?" Rukia glared at the two law men.

"I was having a discussion with my dad" Ichigo replied avoiding Rukia's glare.

"With your fist?" Rukia asked.

"Is there any other way to truly deal with my father?" Ichigo shot back.

Rukia seemed to ponder this for a minute before she grabbed both men and threw them both into the horse watering trough. "Maybe that will cool you boys off"

Just a ways down the road, a horse cringed. "I'm not drinking from that again" Kon said as he watched the sheriff and deputy.

The blacksmith glanced over the horse locking eyes on the events unfold. "I don't blame you…"

The Kon shifted his weight. "Aren't you concerned that I'm a talking horse?" He asked looking at the blacksmith.

The blacksmith shrugged as she continued her work. After a long pause she finally spoke again. "Well I'm a ninja so not many things surprise me"

Kon blinked. "You're a ninja?!"

"Yep… " The blacksmith replied before she grabbed Kon's leg and slapped on a brand new horse shoe.

"Gaah warn me before you're going to do that. So if you are a ninja why are you working as a blacksmith?" Kon asked.

There was a long pause. "Blacksmith pays better.. Also the general store is across the street"

"What does the general store have to do with anything?" Kon asked.

"Everything…" Another long pause "Yoruichi-sama lives there"

"Soifon, that sounds really pathetic for ninja like yourself" Kon thought.

Another longer pause. "I know… there you're done" Soifon announced.

Kon glanced at his new horse shoes before looking back at the blacksmith. "Thanks a lot, be sure to send the bill to Ichigo. By the way, aren't you worried about me telling everyone you are a ninja?"

"Who would believe a talking horse… Much less who really listens to anything you say. You are the most disrespected character in the show" Soifon shrugged.

Kon cringed again. "You don't have to be so brutally honest"

"Maybe you are right…" Shifty eyes before she started to do some hand symbols "Ninja art : escape jutsu"

A puff of smoke rose up from Soifon's feet and engulfed her. As the smoke cleared Soifon was gone but across the room it was easy to spot her hiding behind broom in one of the corners of the blacksmith shop.

Kon raised brow as he glanced in Soifon's direction "Were the hand signals necessary?"

Soifon again paused then nodded "Definitely, they make me look cooler"

Kon slowly backed way. "oookay… I think Ichigo is calling me… Kthxbai!"

Kon took off as quickly as possible a bit creep out by the ninja blacksmith making a b-line for the sheriff. Ichigo sighed as he shook the water off his chaps. Next to our sheriff his deputy mimicked his motion trying vainly to dry off after his dip in the horse water.

Bar, Bar fights, and Ninja. Just another day in the wild west…

* * *

Well there is the glorious second chapter. I've already started on the third, so it should be out sooner, but no promises. If you laughed at all in this fiction send me a review, if you cried send me a review, if you totally hate the story... I'm sorry but there is always therapy.

Until next time Zya

-Mistriders.


End file.
